Fractured
by gilraenstar
Summary: After the events of Edo, Lavi is stilling dealing with the emotional havoc of what had happened in Road's fabricated dream world. His identity as Lavi is starting to fall apart, and he doesn't know how to put things back together; or if he even can. Takes place directly after Edo. R&R if you would :D
1. Prologue

Fractured

Prologue

The Noahs.

Even the name was enough to send Lavi crawling up a wall. Everything about them was like the sickly sweet smell of rotten corpses and lollipops. And at one point Lavi had quite enjoyed lollipops.

He is glad that he can say with some confidence that at least two of the Noah's are dead. The incessantly apathetic Kanda states without any emotion that Bolic most certainly perished. The broken bits of Mugen and massive amounts of electricity still running through Kanda seem to prove his point. Lavi has been attempting to avoid Yuu and his static shocks all day, but he still hasn't been able to get out of the infirmary.

And Road… Lavi wants to believe with all his little shriveled Bookman heart that Road really is dead. But he can't know for sure and that is really what's got him on edge. The little girl had started pulling on thoughts and memories that were already pushing to the front his mind against his will; try as he might he can't shove them back onto the dusty bookshelf where they belong.

Edo was one of the worst experiences Lavi ever had the displeasure of going through, and he isn't sure if he's going to bounce back as quickly as he normally does. Ever since they'd gotten home, his thoughts were going to weird places and strange flashbacks. The things Road had said to him in that fabricated dream. They are all things he is anxious about. She must have known though. She was trying to mentally break him, and even after her demise she was still succeeding.

_You're never going to be impartial. You're never going to be good enough._


	2. Chapter I: Loose Threads

Chapter I: Loose Threads

_You're never going to be impartial. You're never going to be good enough._

A gentle voice rips him from his train of thoughts. "Lavi?" Allen says. His eyebrows are pulled together with an air of concern.

It takes the redhead a second to muster even the simplest of replies. "Eh?"

"You look like you're getting lost. Everything all right in there?" Allen playfully knocks on Lavi's head. It's not like he hits him hard, but it still makes his skull ache.

"Just compartmentalizing. I can't forget anything before I get a chance to write it down." Bookman Jr. makes a show of glaring at the nurses and acting woeful. "These crazy doctors won't even let me go to my room long enough to get my archiving papers."

A familiar voice jumps in. "That's because they know you'd run for it."

Lavi jumps, his heart rate jumping as Bookman Sr. is suddenly occupying space that was empty moments prior. "Damn, gramps. Trying to give me a freaking heart attack?" The old man had shown no concern for his apprentice other than those few tears shed upon their reunion, but Lavi likes to think that Bookman would be lost without him.

"You can start recording these past few days as soon as you've rested." Bookman himself is in the infirmary too, but with much less harrowing wounds and a much better attitude that allows him more freedom.

Either way, it isn't Lavi's fault he can't sleep.

"I'm fiiiine. Is it really going to endanger my health if I just do some deskwork?"

Bookman says nothing, but Lavi knows he's not going to win this battle. So it looks like he's just going to have to lay here for a day or two and attempt to sleep.

"He's right," Lenalee says from across the room. She been so strange with emotion lately, but she's starting to get a grasp on things once more. Her expression is kind and full of concern. "You haven't even slept more than a few hours since we got home yesterday."

So one of his friends had noticed. His acting starts to slip when he doesn't sleep or he isn't feeling well- and of course those are the times when his acting skills are the most important.

_Silly boy. She isn't your friend. You aren't allowed to have friends. _

That sudden idea has him reeling. Where did it come from?

Lavi rolls his eye, shoving the intrusive thought to the back of his mind. "I can't sleep when I've got a headache, and Yuu is too close. I feel threatened!"

Kanda narrows his eyes, but lets his given name slide from the mouth of his natural enemy without a fight. He's too worn to care right now.

That's when a nurse moves forward with a syringe. "Oh, dear. You should have told us, I have something that will help you sleep."

Lavi shrinks back into his pillows a bit. "Yay," he says cheerfully.

He watches as the nurse injects half the syringe into his IV. By the time she's pushed the plunger all the way down, his vision is fading.

*(*)*

Lavi comes back to consciousness slowly. The drugs made him feel so oddly floaty and nauseated. The smell of food hits him like a ton of bricks and he doesn't even make it out of bed before promptly throwing up on the floor. Several people come flooding over to his aid but he brushes them off with apologies and excuses. Drugs just make him feel sick. They never agree with him.

Lavi tries to concentrate on reciting the entirety of the greek alphabet. He ignores the bile that still burns the back of his throat and the unending growl of Krory's stomach and every other minute distraction that makes him anxious. Being left with only his mind for entertainment is never good, but he refuses to let Road get to him; even if the after effects of Edo are leaving him shaking like a leaf. The attending nurse is flashing a light in Lavi's good eye and saying something about possible trauma. He pushes her away weakly, rolling onto his side as he mutter that he's 'perfectly fine other than the fact that he's now blind in both eyes.'

Two days. Two days since they barely escaped the Ark, two days since they barely got away with their lives. His mind, no matter how well trained or disconnected it can become, cannot fathom the fact that he is still alive and breathing.

He's in really rough shape, but dear God he's alive.

Lavi is just glad that the nightmares stayed away for the entire day and a half he was out cold.

The meager amount of sleep he had gotten the night of their return was so miserable that when he finally dragged himself back to the real world he had an anxiety attack that lasted nearly an hour. He was relieved that everyone else had gone to sleep and even more relieved that the nurse told no one of his embarrassing episode. He had practically cried a whole lake and wailed like a baby.

"Apprentice, look at me."

Lavi cracks his eye open to meet the gaze of Bookman. The panda places the back of his hand against Lavi's forehead, and makes a sound of disapproval. "You're running a slight fever."

"I'm fine. Drugs just don't go over well with me."

"You seem to be at war with yourself, Lavi." Bookman says simply. No emotion, no concern. Just an observation.

"I'm fine, Gramps. Just thinking about everything, making sure I don't forget anything important." He pushes his hair back out of his face. He feels so disgusting and dirty that he'd fight Road all over again if it meant he could take a shower. Lavi asks seriously, "Can I go for a walk?"

"I'll go with you, but yes. Do not try to avoid my statement. What is bothering you?"

Lavi throws his legs over the edge of the bed, using his uninjured arm to push himself off the mattress. He's sore as hell but just sitting there like a useless piece of shit isn't his idea of a good time.

This time it's a direct question, so now Lavi is obligated to answer. "Some shit happened when we were trapped in the Ark. I'm just not adjusting very well after what happened."

"You can talk about it, if you believe that would make you feel better." It's a sincere offer, one that Lavi truly does appreciate. The only problem is that Road was right. He's starting to get attached to these people. If he tells Bookman what had happened they will most likely have to move on to another place.

"That's okay, Gramps. Thanks anyway. I'm sure I'll be fine in a few days."

A comfortable silence creeps over the two. His 49th alias isn't fond of silence and Bookman Jr. himself isn't particularly fond of it either. It makes him anxious- even more so than he already is. He speaks up only to direct their path away from the mess hall, merely because he can't consider eating or even being near food without gagging again.

Lavi groans internally as they loop around back toward the infirmary. Only ten minutes of walking is causing all of his muscles to scream in protest, but he doesn't want to stop going. The constant movement is keeping him focused on remembering how to put one foot in front of the other without falling. With how drowsy he is from those drugs the nurse gave him, he's surprised he can keep up the charade of being more than just a useless pile of melted brain matter.

"One more lap?" Lavi asks. He hopes he doesn't sound as desperate as he feels.

"You need to rest apprentice- the longer you're up and about the slower you heal. Walking away from your problems can only keep them at bay so long."

Lavi knows that Bookman is right and that alone makes him want to run. He tries to convince himself of what he has told everyone else. He'll be okay. He's just adjusting. Nothing is wrong. But the redhead still can't shake the feeling that something is very slowly eating away at his sanity.

A/N sorry if it's rather short. didnt want to sit on it too long and then never finish it XD anyway, this is gonna be a relatively long chapter fic. it may or may not follow the manga loosely. we'll see. R AND R PLEASE SO I KNOW WHAT TO IMPROVE ON.

Thanks for reading 3


	3. Chapter II: Terror

Chapter II: Terror

"_Lavi… Why are you betraying us?"_

"_Aren't we your friends?" The voices are growing louder, crowding his entire head. He squeezes his eyes shut tightly to avoid looking at the ugly mangled corpses of his friends as they drag their destroyed bodies toward him. He can still picture their lifeless eyes staring into his soul. He slashes out with the knife just as it appears in his hand out of nowhere. It connects solidly with a body. A loud shriek follows of the sick wet sound of metal slicing through muscle._

"_Why are you leaving us?" _

_It's takes every fibre of his being not to reply to the never-ending questions and accusations. He keeps slashing, listening to the movement around him as his knees shake.  
><em>"_Lavi...Lavi...Deak? Alex?"_

_Someone whispers quietly,"Who are you?"_

_Lavi doesn't grace them with a reply, snapping his eyes open long enough to figure out where he can run away to._

_But the scene has changed. It's a place from his past, a busy market place in England that Lavi had been fond of. People brush him as if he isn't there. Only one person stands before him and acknowledges him with beady black eyes._

"_Bookman…?"_

"_Disgrace!" The smaller man hisses. He points at Lavi, his metal tipped fingers shining. "You are nothing to the Bookman clan. Just a selfish child."_

"_Bookman, please, I can explain! I can change, I can-."_

"_No." _

_Lavi steps backwards as he recognizes the stance Bookman takes. "Please…" He begs._

"_No. You can only die."_

Lavi screams. If not for the multiple hands holding him down, he would've launched himself across the room.

He can barely make out Allen's face through his foggy vision."It's okay, Lavi, It was just a dream!"

But he can't calm down. Quick, shallow breaths are making him feel dizzy, but he's can't calm down. Until Yuu slaps him across the face. Hard.

"Owwwww!Yuu!" Lavi groans, voice a crackling mess. According to Bookman he always knew when Lavi was having a nightmare because he would shriek like a cat that was being gutted whilst alive. Apparently this is still the case.

The samurai is not as forgiving as Bookman is though."Shut. Up. You've been screaming and thrashing for the last half hour."

Lavi screws his eyes shut again, concentrating on breathing. He breathes in for seven counts and out for eleven, a trick he had been taught to use for meditating. "Sorry," he tells Kanda meekly. The redhead rolls onto his stomach and smashes his face into his pillow so his friends can't see him turn an embarrassing bright pink.

"Are you okay?" Allen asks gently. "You had us worried, we couldn't wake you up."

"Just a nightmare," Lavi mumbles into his pillow. "Sorry if I woke you up." Damn. His whole body is aching like a bitch. His arms are already turning purple from where Yuu and Allen had held him down and he feels like he just ran a marathon.

The nurse prods at his side. "I need to take your temperature," she says softly. "Can you turn over for me?"

Lavi grumbles but does as she asks.

Someone takes his hand delicately, as if afraid he might shatter. The redhead glances to the small dainty hand that holds his and follows the arm up to the shoulder and shoulder up to the face. Lenalee gives him a genuine smile- the first one he's seen from her in a very long time.

"There's nothing to be ashamed of Lavi," she tells him sweetly. "We all have bad dreams sometimes."

Lavi forces himself to smile wide. "Yeah… Thanks, Lena."

It's another twenty minutes before everyone finally leaves him alone, and another hour before the nurses stop staring at him with thermometers ready to strike. He still has a slight fever, and they're worried.

He waits patiently though, till everyone starts falling asleep again, and the nurses are occupied with Krory. Then he makes his escape. He bolts out of the infirmary, ignoring the shouts that trail after him. He runs in two large intricate loops until he loses the people that tried to catch him and stands with his hands on his knees in front of his bedroom door.

Lavi attempts to catch his breath as he sticks his key into the lock and turns.

Holy shit. Oh, how he had missed this dinky little room. He didn't decorate or keep trinkets or show any personal style but damn. He had missed the slightly musty smell, the wallpaper that peeled away in the top right corner above his bed.

For his first plan of action upon being free, he moves a chair up against the doorknob. Someone would come looking for him here eventually, but for now he just wanted to be able to take a shower in peace without nurses looking at him funny.

He digs through his drawers for clean comfortable clothing and chances upon a oversized green sweater that Bookman had given him for his birthday five years ago in secret. It was the only thing he had ever been given and the only present he was allowed to keep. Bookman must have planned on letting Lavi keep it, because he had grown a lot since he received it, and even now an extra two inches hang past his fingertips and the bottom goes nearly a foot below his waist. No matter what though, he treasures it.

He grabs that, forgoes boxers, and also takes a pair of sweatpants. Lavi quickly throws that into his tiny bathroom and the searches his laundry for the cleanest towel he has. He really needs to do laundry,

Upon finding a towel that doesn't smell too musty, he retreats to the bathroom.

Lavi didn't realize how badly his entire body was bruised until he had peeled his shirt off. His torso is a like a canvas that had three cans of purple and blue paint dumped on it without discretion. The worst of it is centered around his left shoulder and his chest. He couldn't even remember half the blows that were the cause of his pain.

As soon as he steps under the steaming hot spray he groans. The water felt amazing on his tired muscles. He can barely keep himself standing under the comfort of the warmth that washes away the grime and blood of one of the shittiest weeks of his life. He can only justify an hour of scrubbing before the water starts to go cold, so he sighs and gets out. He dries of halfheartedly and pulls his clean clothes on over still damp skin.

Lavi collapses on his bed, but he knows he isn't going to get any sleep.

*(*)*

Allen awakens to see a very displeased Bookman standing over him with narrowed eyes.

"Oh…" Allen says nervously. He yawns. "You need something?"

"Do you know where my idiot apprentice has run off to?"

Allen is confused and it shows. He sits up quickly, looking to the bed across from his. It's decidedly empty, the sheets thrown aside as if the person that had been under them was in a hurry to get away. "I don't know, I'm sorry. He had a really bad nightmare, woke everyone up with his screaming. He calmed down after a while and we all just went back to bed. I don't remember seeing him go."

If Allen didn't know better he'd say that Bookman almost looked concerned for his understudy.

He goes now to the nurses, and questions them.

The Head Nurse can only tell him what Allen already has. "We've got someone out there looking, but he isn't in immediate danger. He's completely stable. His fever is still there but it's very low."

"Besides Bookman, I think he just wanted a little space. If something bad happens he'd let us know." Allen smiles faintly, hoping that he's somewhat reassuring.

The smaller man just makes an unhappy sound and paces out of the infirmary. "If he's well enough to run off, he's well enough to do his duties as my apprentice."

There's only a small amount of places Lavi could be seeking refuge, and he isn't stupid enough to go somewhere public like the library or the mess hall. He would be an idiot if he went to his own room, but again, there aren't many places he can stay out of sight. Besides, no one would check the most ridiculously obvious place. Lavi must have been counting on that.

Bookman doesn't bother to knock. He just uses the extra key that Komui had given him, As soon as he tries to push the door open though, he's met with resistance.

"Go'way," Lavi murmurs weakly.

Bookman pushes the door a little harder, and it opens, albeit with a small struggle. He enters the room, surprised that he had so easily defeated the barricade. He frowns at the chair that had been used to keep him from getting in.

"Lavi, it's supposed to face the other way, so that the back of the chair is against the handle."

The redhead glances up from where he lay in bed. "Aw, fuck."

Book man chuckles quietly. The humor of the situation quickly diffuses when he's sees that state his apprentice his in.

Lavi's skin is flushed and he looks like he's sweating under the thick clothes he's got on, not to mention a quilt. He catches sight of the bruises that litter the boys arms and an ugly purple bruise that peeks out from under his sweatshirt.

"I just wanted some peace and quiet, Gramps. Can't I be left alone for five minutes?"

He must not be in that bad of shape if he's complaining. "I heard you had a nightmare earlier this evening."

Lavi throws an arm over his eyes, very done with this conversation already. "I have them all the time. How long have you known me?"

"Something is different. You are not yourself."

Lavi rolls one emerald eye at his teacher. "You're overreacting. I'm fine. I just needed a nice shower and my own bed. There's no reason for you to get your ponytail in a knot. _I'm fine._"

Bookman doesn't seem to accept this, but he gives in. He'll decide to trust his apprentice for a while longer with the hopes that things will resolve on their own. "Okay. If you say so, it must be. But if you're to be here then I suggest you take a minute to gather you archiving materials and head back to the infirmary. You have better things to do than loaf around. Your five minutes of peace and quiet is over"

Lavi grins his best shit-eating grin. "Will do, Gramps."

Bookman leaves after threatening to chase him down if he isn't upstairs in exactly five minutes, but as soon as he's out of the door, Lavi falls back into bed.

It keeps replaying in his head like a chant. Like something those nightmarish visions would say to him over and over until he took his life.

"_Something is different. You are not yourself."_

Lavi stares at the ceiling and it stares back him blankly. "How should I act if I don't know who I am?"

For once, he's glad that a voice doesn't reply.

:::

A/N sorry about any typos. its late and i work tomorrow. I'll iron it out tomorrow evening! Anyway thanks for reading, and a big thank you to those of you that reviewed, faved, or followed. thanks! please review some more so i know what to fix!~!


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